Everyday-m-twisting

FIVE POUNDS OF FAT

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good to a man?

A: Put a nipple on it.

LAYAWAY PLAN

Sam brings a beautiful woman into a fancy Beverly Hills furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink!” Sam exclaims.

As the lady tries on the coat, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, “Ah sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.”

“No problem. I’ll write you a check.”

“Very good, sir,” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.”

On Monday, Sam returns. The store owner is outraged, “How dare you show your face in here? There isn’t a single penny in your checking account.”

“I just had to come by,” grins Sam, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life.”

A.J. JAMAL: GOOD PLACE TO EAT

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don’t know. And you’re looking at them, like, ‘You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin’. ‘

45 PINTS OF MILK

A milkman comes across an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out with just a bath towel around her.

She confirms that she wants 45 pints. “Milk baths are good for your skin,” explains the woman.

“Oh, OK,” says the milkman. “Do you need it pasteurized then?”

“No,” says the woman. “Up to my tits will be fine.”

HOBO BOOTY CALL… PILE

Nice rags. Haven’t I seen you rooting around the same pile before?

BLONDES AND PIERCED EARS

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

GEEK BOOTY CALL… PHASER

If you were a phaser, you’d be set on “stunning.”

PARTY GAMES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

— Sag! You’re It!
— Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
— 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
— Kick the Bucket
— Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
— Doc, Doc, Nurse
— Simon Says Something Incoherent
— Musical Recliners
— Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
— Hide and Go Pee
— Bobbing for Dentures
— Telling Ghost Stories in the Oxygen Tent

JASON KULLER: PENAL ENLARGEMENT

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery — thought I’d share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it’s really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.